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June 9, 2014

I really liked you. I mean I really really liked you. And I already knew from the beginning that it would be nothing to you. But you kept insisting it wasn’t like that. That I would actually matter to you. And of course I really missed you. But yeah I understand that you were on holiday. And yes it was rude that you didn’t reply. But I was angry not just because it was rude, but more because you didn’t WANT to reply. That’s pretty hurtful. That someone who insisted they were your friend decides that you’re not worth their time. When you really miss someone and they don’t even think of you. So of course I was angry, not because you didn’t care, but because you made me think before that you cared. That was mean. But of course what right do I have to be angry? You don’t owe me anything, I don’t owe you anything. I can’t help feeling hurt, but I should only be angry with myself. I was really upset so I was talking to Stuart. And he was like, you already knew that the situation was, all along you already knew that it was a for fun thing, so how can you be angry with him. So the reason why I’m not angry with you anymore is because if I look at the situation in this way, I don’t have a right to be angry with you. It’s like, if a random person on the street didn’t want to talk to me, why should I have the right to be angry at them? If you insist you’re my friend, then of course I will be angry, because you made me hurt. And as a friend, that’s not very nice at all. So it’s all just perspective. I can’t help but feel hurt anyway, but the way I look at you determines whether or not I will be angry with you. So like I said, if I remained the way I was, missing you, wanting to talk to you, and expecting your friendship, I would still be angry with you until you talked to me about it. It’s not something that I’m just going to be able to get over on my own. But you’re right. Fighting with you would make me forget about you. So why are you surprised now, that after 3 weeks of ignoring me, that I am distant and not the same? I needed to change my view of our relationship in order to not feel like shit about myself for the last 3 weeks. and now that you’re talking to me again, how should I know what you want. If I start letting myself be happy talking to you again, you’re just going to do it again and then I’ll be hurt again. So if you want us to be friends, you’re going to have to deal with me being upset, and not just ignore me until the problem goes away.

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