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April 6, 2014

I feel like I can never step far back enough to see situations as they actually are.

So I decided to come on here and type it out. So I can see clearly. Hopefully.

Yes he’s really nice to you, yes he says all these sweet things, yes he says he wants to talk to you everyday, he needs to talk to you every day or he feels something isn’t right. Oh how sweet, how sickeningly sweet. And he’s coming to visit you. To stay at your place. Because you invited him to. YOU INVITED HIM TO STAY AT YOUR PLACE. And how sweet when he says he knows he will miss you more (of course, of course) if he comes to stay with you, if he meets you every day in Sydney, that if he did that, it would be way worse when he finally leaves. But it would not be possible for him to NOT meet you, when he knows that he CAN so easily do so. Of course of course. And you honestly believe he’s a straight up guy though. But straight up guys also have dicks, they have 2 heads and you know which one they always end up listening to. Yeah he might be a nice guy. And you sincerely believe that he does like talking to you, spending time with you, otherwise why would he sit in his hostel and talk to you for 3, 4 hours every other day, instead of going out? If he just wanted someone to make out with, I’m sure he could pick a random up at a bar. So yeah, it’s definitely not because he just wants that. He definitely does like you to a certain extent. BUT. You don’t think he’s coming here, hoping and expecting maybe, a little more than a friendly hug? Even though he is a nice guy, he doesn’t see anything wrong with JUST HAVING SOME FUN. So yes, he likes you enough to talk to you every day. But he doesn’t want anything from it. In the sense that, he doesn’t want a relationship. He just wants to have some fun. And it probably makes him feel like he’s a good person, if it’s not just a one night stand. That he actually likes the person he wants to make out with. But it’s still just a for now thing. He’s only here for a few more weeks. He just wants to have some fun. And then he’ll go back to his fuck buddy back home. He did already tell you that even though he has never had a girlfriend, it’s very common back home to have friends with benefits. Are you so naive to think he doesn’t have this good relationship with this girl he’s sleeping with back home? Do you think you’re that wonderful that he might consider dating you, when he’s a million miles away? Don’t be silly, please don’t be so stupid, it hurts me to think that you’re such a stupid person. You’ve got a chronic case of stupidgirlitis. It’s time to kick this habit. Time and again, you let a few sweet words slither their way into your ears and fly straight like an arrow through your heart. You should know by now that guys only want one thing. Or if not that one thing then at least all those little bits leading up to that one thing. I guess the question now is, are you okay with being his little bit of fun? His last little mess around before he leaves australia? Another flag to hang on his wall.

The answer is of course not. Of course I’m not okay with that. I don’t want to feel cheap for the next few months. I don’t want to be used, played and then left with my thoughts for the next half a year before I can let it go.

Do you want to make out with him? Of course. It feels nice, and you like him, and it’s fun. And you’ve obviously been thinking about it since he kissed you that night. And it would be so nice too, to have someone to hug and cuddle with each night. To have someone there to hug when you wake up from your nightmares. To feel attractive and like yknow, like someone actually likes you, that someone actually finds you pretty. Of course we know that ‘like’ is such a loose term. He likes how you look. He’ll like kissing and touching you. He likes talking to you. But he doesn’t ACTUALLY like you. Oh the english language is so limited sometimes. So yes, you definitely would like to give in and make out with him every day, and hug him to sleep every night.

But is it WORTH IT? Is your week of fun worth how shit you will feel about yourself for the next few months? And is it worth it because you know if this happens, which it probably will, you will miss him even more when he leaves. And is it worth it missing him so much after, and knowing that he doesn’t miss you as much, cos let’s face it, you’re the only one starved for love. And even as you know that it is definitely not worth it, why is it that you still think it’s going to happen? Why do you have such little will power?

So what can be done about this?

Tell him and hope he has more will power than you? He’s a guy, come on.

Tell him and guilt him into not trying anything?

Tell him and let him see what a nut case you are, over thinking this tiny little situation, freak him out, and then cause him to leave and have absolutely no interest in you at all?

Haha. The last option, I think, will have the highest chance of success.

Fuck this shit. You know what’s going to happen. You’re not going to say anything, you’re going to let him kiss you (because of course you’re not going to do anything, so you can say afterwards that you LET him kiss you, even though you yourself wanted to kiss him to. Because that’s just the sort of nut job you are. -.- Well done self, well done.) And then when he leaves, you’re going to miss him and then start talking about all this shit when it’s too late, and he’ll be wondering why in blazes did he ever want to talk to this loony. -.-

I NEED TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING. Oh gods. It’s like I’m driving a car, and I can see the signs that say there’s a cliff ahead, please stop and turn around. And I know for a fact that I’m going to drive off the cliff. But I just can’t do anything about it. It’s like I just want to do it. Because I don’t care about the future me, I only care about the now me. Which is really stupid because future me isn’t a different person. YOU ARE FUTURE YOU. STOP THE DAMN CAR, YOU CRAZY SON OF A MOTHER FLAMINGO!


From → love, reflection

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