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September 21, 2013

We become so much of our parents, whether we like it or not. Even when we try to look to them for lessons of what to be and what not to be, we inevitably pick up all the things we hate, they inevitably pass to us both the good and the bad. And one day  you’ll realise you’re exactly what you didn’t want to be.


I’ve been feeling really lost and without direction. Even though I’m really excited to start next year, there’s just this weight over me. I don’t know how to get rid of it, I don’t know what to do to make it better, and the people I share it with don’t think anything of it. They pass it off as me being weird, and whining. When I’m not. I really feel like I need some one to pick me up, I feel like I’ve been buried. I feel like I should just disappear and I don’t know why. It’s not like I feel like noone loves me. I have people whom I know are always there for me, I have an amazing support system. So why? I don’t know if this is what depression is, but I don’t think so. For the most part, I’m a really happy person. I’ve always been a happy person. My default has always been happy. Where did this overhanging feeling come from. Do I feel worthless? Sometimes. But who doesn’t, right? We all feel worthless now and then. And I know I’m not, even when I feel that way. My brain knows.

I feel like I need some excitement in my life to help me. I need to do something new, meet people, do exciting things. And I guess I’ll get to do that after this semester. But what does this mean, will I feel like this everytime my life goes into a lull? What happens then when I’m old and won’t have this opportunities to do new and exciting stuff? I need to learn to be okay on my own. Maybe next year will teach me that too, being alone.

I’m scared of myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m anything but suicidal. I’m still scared though.


Sound? No. Not right now. But I will be again. Soon hopefully.


From → family, reflection

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