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invertebrate

April 20, 2013

that’s me.

i must have been born lacking a fucking back bone.

seriously, the rate at which i become reliant on people is simply ridiculous.

okay yeah, relying on my ex, sure, we were together for so long. but this? this is fucking stupid. I’ve been talking to this guy for what. 2 months? and suddenly i can’t concentrate because he’s busy? wtf? and I don’t even like him! wtf brain/heart/god knows what stupid organ i can blame this on!?!?! i think i used to be really confident. really independent. i don’t know when i become this weak boned sniffling little idiot who needs people to show her constant love in order to feel like she’s worth something. who needs people to confirm she’s worth while. who needs people to give her compliments in order for her to feel good about herself. who needs someone to be there to hold her fucking hand cos she thinks she’s too lousy to do anything on her fucking own. god damn it there is something seriously wrong with me.

and why do i have this feeling like theres nothing to look forward to in life. seriously. why do i feel so sick of life?

I know i’m blessed, and truth be told, my life is a hell of an exciting one. I mean come on, not everybody learns how to do surgery. But I just can’t shake this feeling of being just sick and tired of everything. It’s this ache in my heart that throbs and makes me yearn to have something to look forward to. Which I do. I really do. I mean I have so much to look forward to, I HAVE SO MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO. And yet nothing at the same time.

I think depression is really a genetic thing. I can totally see myself being depressed in the future. Fuck him luh. Fuck him and his fucking problems. Why must I let you affect me. Fuck you.

I don’t want to be like you. I don’t ever want to be like you, and yet I already am. Damn you and damn myself and damn life and arghhhhhhhhhhh.

I do, I really do need someone to hold my hand and tell me everything will be alright.

But the question is, what is not alright? I really don’t have much to complain about. I am so lucky. I know it. It’s just that I don’t feel it. It’s hard to feel it. brain vs feelings thing.

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