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pick and choose

October 11, 2012

so i’m supposed to be studying right now. but of course, there’s suddenly so many important things on my mind.

for example. my mortality.

I just watched a couple of videos of people who’ve experienced heaven, or hell. unexplainable things. where children know things they shouldn’t. and peoples lives have been turned right around.

one question: how is it fair that some people experience these life changing moments, get a glimpse of the afterlife, turn their lives around and thus get a spot in heaven. while the rest of us, are expected just to take their word for it. perhaps if they had to just take someone else’s word for it, they wouldn’t believe it either. so why do they get the lucky break. where something is ‘proven’ to them. 

some people were brought up to a certain faith. and god never spoke to them. never proved it to them. whetever good in their lives, they assume is coming from their ‘current’ god. and what is wrong with that?

perhaps the childish view i had as a little girl is true. maybe our faith shows us what we want to believe in. 

and i stlll hold the view that, a true god, who has given us reasoning, would not damn a person to hell just because they were not persuaded to join a certain faith. i still believe in being a good person. if truly, as a person now, i am worthy of hell, just because i did not sign on to a faith, i really don’t see why god gave me reasoning or any form of intelligence.

i do try my best. yes, i do think that ‘your best’ is not good enough if you don’t hit the mark. but i truly do think that i put in effort to be a good person. the thing is, i do this not because i want to go to heaven. that’s the thing. i do ‘good’ things because it makes me happy to do them. because it’s right and i feel terrible if i don’t do it. 

but it’s not that i’m not… curious? afraid is not really the word.. …not curious of what is to happen to me after death. on some level, i don’t believe in the afterlife. on another level, believing in the afterlife kind of gives me hope because it’s just really sad if this is it. if we just disappear. if all those who have died just disappeared. it would be so sad to come to terms with that i might become depressed. so in a way i WANT to believe in the afterlife.

people who sign on to a certain faith and choose to interpretate it to please themselves. that’s just screwed up.

people who choose not to think about faith now. and disregard it because they want to do whatever they please in their youth. and then later in life repent or whatever. are fools. its not because they were young and stupid. i’m 22. and i know what’s right and wrong. it’s that you chose not to care. saying that it’s because you were ‘young’ is ridiculous. you CHOOSE not to care so that you can do whatever you want. and have as much fun as you want.

life is so confusing. and yet my boyfriend never thinks about any of it. i wish i were like that.

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