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March 10, 2012

I don’t know what I want.

it’s just really hard this way.

i think maybe it’s because i’m just not used to the idea? and it upsets me because i used to think to myself, there is no way he’ll do these irrational things etc because he will never do this. but now he does. so.

and it’s not like i don’t. but. i don’t know. it’s just different.

in addition it hurts that he kept it from me but i thought i was past that.

it still hurts but i’m just not going to bring that little fact up anymore.

i hate how hypocritical he is being. it makes me hypocritical as well that i’m criticising while my boyfriend is like that. it sucks. and i hate pretending to some people and not to others. i wish he would just make up his mind who he wants to be and stop putting up this front.

all this while i’ve been trying to align my beliefs to his. to try and see what he sees and understand what he believes in. but how can i when he doesn’t even know what he believes in.

i told him i can pretend for him in front of his parents. but, if it’s half your friends and not the other half. i can’t do it.

i wish he knew who he was. i hate this.

mostly, i hate the feeling that i can’t trust him. i’m trying to get over it but these things take time and it’s just taking so goddamn long.

it’s damn if you do and damn if you don’t.

is it worth it? comes up alot. and it hurts when it does because i have never questioned if it’s worth it or not.

i know everyone says this. but i would die.

if we ever break up? i’m never going to go for love again. i’m just going to find a pleasant rich dude and marry him and forget about all this emotion shit. people of the past had it right. arranged marriages is the way to go. you don’t have a choice. i’m sure after the 3rd kid you’ll start to love, or at least be very used to and comfortable with the guy.

sometimes i feel like i want to kill myself just cos there’s just too many things going on. but then i don’t want to traumatize anyone. the only way would be to disappear and leave them wondering. but then thts quite horrible too cos there won’t be any closure. but then if i kill myself, someone will find me and it’ll be gruesome and they’ll be traumatized. unless like… i do the carbon monoxide thing. maybe that’ll work?

all this talk, i’m not actually a suicidal person. plus i’m a wuss as well.

i miss him so much.

why do the people we love the most cause us the most pain?
why does the person who makes you the happiest make you cry?

this world is a screwed up place.


From → love, suicide

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